Today's post is going to be quite a bit different from the previous posts in the fact that I'm going to share with you my worst day post accident which happened to be yesterday.
Yesterday, in general, I did not feel like myself. I woke up alright, but my stomach was already in knots and I just felt blah. There were things that I wanted to get done around the house (OCD at work again), but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I felt grumpy and even kind of sorry for myself. Three nights with less than 3 or 4 hours of sleep was beginning to wear on my mind and my body. I was worried about my three-year old who hasn't been eating well and spending lots of time in the bathroom. Kermie told me he was just fine, but in my mind I'm thinking he's trying to cope emotionally with everything that has happened in the past month and I was failing him as a mother. I was already starting to stress out about school starting back and making sure Ella had rides to and from school, her backpack getting packed correctly, transportation notes getting written, lunches getting packed, etc. I was worried about getting more paperwork sent to Central Office from my insurance company and putting together a video for my students showing them I was ok and thankful for all of their thoughts and prayers. I wanted to take down all of my Christmas decorations and then obviously clean up the aftermath of pine needles and dust. Blah, blah, blah..... my mind was going crazy and about irrational and silly things!
As a person who has dealt with anxiety and panic attacks since fourth grade, I've gotten pretty good at calming myself down using techniques I learned through therapy and prayer of course. Yesterday, on the other hand, was much harder than anything I've experienced in a long time. Since December 2nd, I have felt strong mentally and my faith has been my driving focus for recovery. But, for whatever reason, yesterday I seemed to loose grip with that stronghold and allowed my mind to get the best of me. By the end of the night, I had began a full-blown panic attack and was terrified of loosing grip with me and who I was called to become from this tragedy. I wanted an escape and I was beginning to think this was all too much for me to handle. Again, all selfish thoughts because the real Brooke knows that God would not give me anything I couldn't overcome. With the help of constant prayer, Kermie, my mom, and some anxiety medicine that I hate relying on, I was able to get myself calmed down enough to remember that everything was going to be okay.
I feel asleep around 8:00 and stayed asleep for most of the night without waking from severe stomach or back pain. I woke up this morning thankful (SNOW DAY MIRACLE) and rested in comparison to the day before. And, I'm reminding myself that this isn't going to be easy and that I may have more days where everything seems to be crashing down around me, but God will get me through this and I will come out stronger.
So, today I don't have any pictures to leave you with, but something that I tell myself often when I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed... "Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in this world."
Praying for you...
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