High expectations

Several weeks ago, I received an appointment reminder in the mail about a follow-up CT Scan and appointment with the neurologist who was in the OR the day of my surgery.  When I first saw the reminder, I was perplexed because I was under the impression they didn't end up having to operate at all during the operation (which was a good thing).  I immediately called to see what the appointment was for and was told that they would be doing another scan just to make sure that everything still looked good as far as my head/brain went and would be able to give me some more information on my vision.  So.... for several weeks, especially after talking to Dr. Timoney who ordered orbital scans to get a better look at my eye, I had built up very high expectations for this appointment.  Good news or bad news.... I knew that I would come away with something more and was excited about that. 

Well, let me just let you know right away that my expectations and what actually came from the day did not meet.  Kermie and I got there early (with enough time for a white chocolate mocha) and they got me ready for scans.  Immediately, they were confused about the orders and didn't understand why they would be doing a head scan and orbital scan.  So, they ended up cancelling the orbital scan because they would essentially be able to see the same thing from the head scan alone.  Anxiety trigger number one.  Second, I had no idea whether or not I had ever had a contrast scan done before so I was clueless when he said I had had one while in the hospital so to expect the same thing.  I honestly don't remember anything about the whole ER/OR experience except wanting to be put asleep and being frustrated with being so nauseous.  He injected the serum, told me I'd feel a warm sensation, but I felt a cold sensation. Anxiety trigger number two.  Then, about a minute into breathing techniques and praying to God to not allow me to get up from the table, I realized he hadn't started it yet.  I felt the warmth and all was good... or as good as it gets while getting a CT Scan.  I forgot to mention that right before I went in for the scans, I found one of my new Origami Owl necklaces on the floor of the waiting room without the locket.  Apparently, the chain broke which I was able to fix, but the locket with my wedding ring charm and birthstone were no where to be found.  Anxiety trigger number three.  Kermie was a trooper and backtracked our steps all through UK Hospital, but the locket is gone.  Bummer!   I promise I will not complain this entire post!!

After the scans, Kermie and I had about an hour and a half to waste until the appointment with the neurosurgeon so we went to the Starbucks in the hospital and relaxed.  Then, after the first twenty minutes decided to go the cafeteria for breakfast.  This may have been the best part of my day!!  Eggs, biscuits and gravy, and good conversation with my husband.  We've been cracking each other up just as much as we've been driving each other crazy with our emotional highs and lows.  When it was almost time to head to our appointment, my eye starting hurting pretty bad.  It had felt fairly irritated all morning and I thought it might have something to do with being poked while sleeping, but the pain was getting pretty bad.  Anxiety trigger number three.  So, the moment was here... I was going to get to see my scans and find out more about my eye and all the nerves that were involved.  Or at least I thought.  The first doctor to come in was someone who we did not know and basically said that the scans looked great as far as the brain goes and that is as far as they would continue with my treatment.  Kermie and I looked at each other a little confused and the man exited the room after we bombarded him with a million questions.  His response would have been exactly what I would have expected had I not been told otherwise.  This doctor quickly brought in the surgeon who was in the  OR during my surgery to answer all of our questions.  He seemed a little confused as well as why we were told we would be given more information on my vision loss as a CT Scan would not show those cranial nerves/optic nerves in enough detail to make any prognosis.  He also said that when it came to vision, current function is the best indicator as to the damage of those particular nerves.  And, unlike anything we've heard up until this point, said that the more time that passes, the less likely I will be to regain vision... especially functioning vision.  He said that if I had no light perception by this point, I probably wouldn't regain any.  Anxiety trigger number four (even though I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this).

After this appointment and accompanied with my eye pain, we decided to stop by the eye clinic as Dr. Timoney had said we could stop in at any time to get my looked at or washed out.  I knew something was in there or wrong, but the clinic was slammed as were my emotions.  There was no way I could stay in there another minute without having a complete mental breakdown.  So, I had one in the truck instead.  I hate letting Kermie see me get so down, but it just had to happen.  He was so good at reminding me who made my eyes and who is the only one who can heal them. It honestly feels so good to cry though.  I did a lot of it yesterday, sore eye and all.  I know it makes him upset because he has said over and over that it's not fair that it has to be me that is going through this when he would take my place in a heartbeat, but then that makes me sad that he is sad.  Anxiety trigger number five.

Several hours later, after washing out my eye and getting an authentic "pirate" eye patch to sleep in, we concluded that there had to be a scratch on my eye which was causing the pain.  We called the doctor back and they could get us in by 3:30, but that was impossible because Grayson was having his first therapy session at 4 and I wanted to be there to explain to her everything he has been going through.  Anxiety trigger number six.  I totally thought Ella would be the one struggling after having witnessed the whole accident, but my three year old has shown more symptoms of stress than she has.  He didn't eat for a while, spent hours in the bathroom saying he was sick, threw major tantrums, constantly asks if he is going to be "okay," and is terrified of the bathtub after one episode of too many bubbles.  His stress level and happiness has been weighing heavy on me the past few weeks because I know he is too little to distinguish exactly what it is that he is feeling.  He just constantly wants to be reassured that everything is okay.  I will say that his therapy session went GREAT!  He had been with me to take Ella, so he was excited to have his own turn.  I was amazed at the amount of information she was able to pull from him in just one visit, and I was excited to see him interact with her so well.  We will be going back just to make sure that his stress continues to decreases as the days go by.  Thank the Lord for therapy!  Ella actually said when we were walking in yesterday that she thought she'd like to be a therapist because she likes talking to people about their problems.  She is so sweet :)

So, after about a 12 hour day, we got home and everyone was out by 8!  This morning I had Kermie's parents chauffeur me to the eye doctor (my doctor was not there) to see what all the pain was about.  Just as we suspected, there is a scratch on my eye and he even plucked all of the lashes from my bottom lid that were turned in.  He thought they may be causing some discomfort as well. They have put me on an eye drop antibiotic and eye ointment antibiotic and I go back in the morning just to make sure infection has not set up in my eye.  More than anything, it felt good to know that I'm not loosing my mind!  Everyday is a new day in terms of my physical progress.  Some days I can feel my face and other days I can't.  Some days I feel like I can control my eye movement and other days it feels like it did the day of the accident.  I'm learning to take all of the physical and process it emotionally, but I will be the first to admit that it's so hard!  I get down, I get frustrated.  I get hopeful, I am thankful.  One thing I know for sure is that doing this without faith in knowing there is a God who can do whatever He knows is best for my life would be impossible!  I also know that without family willing to support me, take me everywhere, listen to me, and encourage me I would be lost.  Another positive, I found out today that in just the FIRST day back to school 11 days were donated to my recovery time at home!  It's amazing how great people are! 

Today, I'm leaving you with a "selfie" (I can't believe I'm taking one of these!!! haha).  Everyone that sees me in person is amazed with how far my eye automatically opens on its own, so I thought you might be too!  (My eye is yellow from the drops they put in today and today is a numb day, hince the more than normal crooked smile!)