Physical and Emotional Changes

I've been wanting to blog for several days now, but am just now finding the time to sit down and gather my thoughts.  In order to show you my progress, both physical and emotional, I'm going to start back at last Friday.

Friday was a busy day.  All of my days run together anymore, but are usually full of doctor visits or running some type of errand.  Friday was no exception.  I remember being extremely exhausted by the end of the day and actually fell asleep before 8 o'clock.  On Saturday, I woke up not feeling very good and still extremely tired so I continued sleeping.... the rest of the day (minus an hour or two)!  I'm not certain that I really needed the sleep or if sleeping just helped keep my mind from wondering to the scary places it takes me sometimes when I'm awake.  Up until about Tuesday of this week, it was normal for me to break down multiple times throughout each day.  Sometimes it would be after looking in the mirror, others from the pain in my face, others from remembering I couldn't see anymore out of my right eye, or others from feeling completely unlike myself and almost as if I were floating by each minute as if I was living in some type of outer-body experience.  I tried explaining my thoughts and emotions to my family, but I guess it's not the easiest thing to explain.  We woke up Sunday with every intention of going to church, but I again felt crummy.  I am still uncomfortable with large crowds and even more uncomfortable when I know I could break down into a sob fest at any moment.  In an attempt to get me out of the house and away from all my negative emotions, we decided to attempt a movie with the kids in Florence where I wouldn't know anyone.  I guess my mentality is that if I'm only going to see these people once, it doesn't matter what I look like to them.  Once we were out, it was actually a nice time and I loved getting to see Frozen.  My kids have the movie pretty much memorized at this point.  It is doing things like this that make me feel normal again.  It's just hard when I'm trapped at home to motivate myself to get up and do normal!

I'm not certain what all Monday entailed, but I do remember waking up Tuesday feeling more like myself.  My mom came to get Grayson, Ella was at school, and I spent several hours by myself and with God.  There was only one point during the day that I cried for a brief minute but quickly turned it around.  I cleaned my house top to bottom and felt a since of pride getting it all finished.  I even laughed at myself a few times when I'd bump into something or drop something.  Again, Wednesday, Thursday, and even today were good days.  There have been no sad times and no crying.  There has been little to no anxiety and I am starting to feel comfortable in my new skin.  I am not scared as much when I look in the mirror, but more or less motivated to continue to see how much my appearance changes in the months to come.  I am still very apprehensive about going out in public or larger groups.  I guess I am getting used to me, but I'm afraid others won't be.  That's the one thing I'm most worried about when returning to work in a few weeks.  I don't want to scare my kids with my scars and crooked eye.  Kermie is trying to help me by putting a removable sticker in my glass lens that I can wear when I'm at school, so we will see how that goes.  He also surprised me with a new pair of Oakley's.  A few years ago, after getting our tax return, we splurged and got new sunglasses.  He still has his, but mine were lost a good three months later.   I never heard the end of it, but sure enough, he found the same pair (for cheap!) and they showed up at my doorstep this week!  I love them because I look just like the old me when I put them on. :) I've contemplated teaching in sunglasses but thought that may be too distracting!

As for physical progress, my doctors continue to say all is well.  My cornea scratch is healing and all of my eye movements are back to normal except right which is what causes my eye to stay to the left.  I am slowly gaining more sensation in my eyeball, but still consider it a numb eye.  My nerves are working hard in my face to regenerate and let me tell you it is the craziest thing I've ever felt.  I can tap my top lip and feel a twitch in my eye!  One day I have a droopy smile and the next it's fine.  My teeth are still super sensitive in the right side as are my scars.  But regardless of the twitching and drooping, I notice improvement everyday!  My eye is staying irritated, but only because it is exposed to air since my eye won't close completely without that lower eyelid.  Until my surgery to reconstruct it, I'm putting "lube" on it to keep it moist.  There is still no sign of vision or light perception, but the funny thing is that I am beginning to get used to it.  Of course I'm praying for complete recovery, but until then... I've got this one eye thing down!  Next week is my skin graft with Dr. Patel.  I am so excited!  He said stitches will come out a week later and then I'm planning to head back to work!  My face will be finished other than scar treatments down the road and all that will be left is my eyelid surgery around spring break.  Yay :). Dr. Timoney told me today that he has pictures of me from the day of my accident if I was ready to see them.  I think I will get them at my next appointment.

On a side note, I think Grayson may have the flu.  I'm treating it as the flu just to be safe and Ella is taking Tamiflu as prevention.  Both of them had the Flu Mist, but the doctors say it didn't cover the strand they have been exposed to.  I had a flu shot while in the hospital, so I'm praying I'm immune.  Kermie on the other hand hasn't had a shot or mist.  Please keep us in your prayers! 

Tonight, I am leaving you with a picture of my "new do for the new me" and my whole face minus the bad eye with makeup for the first time.