Back Behind the Wheel

My greatest fear at the moment is probably the thought of driving again.  Not only just driving in general, but driving with monocular vision.  My left eye is 20/20 and will help me tremendously, but it's that right eye that sees no light and will make things harder on me.  Instead of peripheral vision, I'll rely on lots of head turning and mirror usage.  The fear of someone or something coming from that right side unexpectedly is huge at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I love being chauffeured around by my family and friends, but independence to get up and go when my mind is ready... is something that I want back SO bad!  It's been a month and I feel like attempting to drive is something that will help me overcome my fear and continue the road to recovery.  So today, on the way to the grocery, Kermie took me to a small church parking lot where I got back behind the wheel (of a very large Chevy Truck!) to practice.  I did so much better than I had expected.  I was able to park, go around the church clockwise, counterclockwise, and sort of do a backup park (minus running completely over one of the lines.).  This was definitely the highlight to my day and when my kids gave me high-fives after finishing up, I was pretty proud! 

I'm still not ready for a car, but the prospect of looking for one that will allow me the most visibility is comforting and exciting all at the same time.  I am thankful that God is taking this anxiety and allowing me to move on from being scared to encouraged that driving myself will be a possibility with one eye or two!

Here are a few of the pictures Kermie captured on his phone today of me behind the wheel!

PICC Line Out!

Yesterday marked another big day in my road to recovery.  My Home Health Nurse was scheduled to come and remove my PICC line which means no more IV antibiotics for this lady!  This is exciting to me for several reasons:  one, I don't have that contraption hanging out of my arm; two, I will be able to bathe without putting plastic wrap around my arm; three, I can hold my children who are desperate to snuggle with their mommy; four, I can be of more help around the house; fifth, my stomach will hopefully return to normal; and sixth, it shows God is healing me more each day!  I honestly felt like a free woman yesterday!  I can only imagine what cancer patients and others who have to routinely receive medications (much harsher) like that for a prolonged amount of time feel like... sure puts things into perspective!

On top of getting my PICC line out, I got to spend the day with my sister-in-law, Jackie, who was an extreme help with the kids, food, messes, you name... she had it! Plus, she brought Starbucks!! :)  I LOVE my family!  I showed her and the kids both how much more my eye is opening and they seemed pretty impressed.  Grayson was a bit giddy with the PICC line was all the way out and Ella clapped when she saw me opening my eyelid! :)  Day by day, God is healing me from the inside out.  What a blessing!  Jackie took several pictures of the event so I hope they aren't too graphic for you.  On the other hand, these are all things that I want to be able to remember when looking back at my road to recovery. 

One last note, my plastics doctor got in touch with us and actually wants to push back my lower eye graft until January 22nd which makes me a little bummed, but he's the expert and it's all in God's hands at this point.  After the graft heals, I'm expecting my eye doctor to do the last surgery to reconstruct my lower eyelid.  My facial scars are healing nice (probably because my husband is the world's best scar care taker!), my eye movement is increasing daily, and my lid is beginning to open bit by bit.  I'm praying for the recovery of my vision, but until then, I am blessed to be here and share this story with you guys. 

Hope you enjoy the pictures and Merry Christmas! :)

Thankful for the BIG 30

I know most people get a little frantic when thinking about turning 30, but in all honesty, it didn't bother me one bit.  I guess in my mind, I felt very content.  I have a lovely family, a great job, an awesome God to serve, a house to live in that may be a little cramped, but I can only see my 30s getting better.  After December 2nd, my perspective may have shifted slightly, but only in the fact that there are going to be more learning experiences for me to encounter than what I had expected.   But, hey, it's always a good thing to keep learning and accepting new challenges at any age right?

So, for as long as I can remember, my mom and I always celebrate our birthdays together.  Hers is the 18th and mine is the 20th.  It makes it even more special that way.  What a birthday present??  A brand new baby!  One of our favorite places to eat is in Dry Ridge, Kentucky called La Rosa's.  If you've ever been to Kings Island, it's the same pizza they sell there.  We all went and it was nice because there wasn't anyone local there to have to stop and talk to about the accident.  Maybe that sounds a little selfish, but after being at the mall that same day and trying to get out and do normal things as much as possible this week, I've had my share of run ins with people and it plays a little with my anxiety.  I know people are sincere in their concerns, but when questions are asked like, "Do you think you will ever see out of that eye again?" It tends to bring me down and the Lord knows I'm trying to prepare myself for all possible outcomes.  So anyways, we celebrated in style with some pizza and when we returned home, my aunt Shari and Grandma had had the Marriott chef bake me this butter cake that was drizzled in a bourbon glaze.  It was by far the best cake I've ever eaten!  Here are a few pictures that Ella took with her Nana's phone at our birthday celebration.

 

Not only do I have a great family, but some pretty terrific friends as well!  On Saturday, they brought over Habachi dinner and cheese cake.  Of course, I had to share with them the cake my aunt and grandma had given me too!  Dinner was fabulous as was the conversation.  These girls have been by my side through this accident like nothing I've seen before.  They are constantly asking to help even if they have a multitude of things going on in their own lives.  I'm thankful God placed them  in my life when He did.  And, what is even more cool is how we've all kind of united out of different avenues in our lives.  Ashley and I have known each other since elementary school.  Sejla and I met in middle school because we were always in the same homeroom.  Brittany and I went to Georgetown together and student taught together across the hall.  It's all really amazing to me!  I looked forward to our get together all day long and enjoyed my in-home party!  Here are a few pictures from our celebration!

 

 

Thank you to everyone else that wished me a happy birthday!  It was indeed a great day to celebrate! :)



A day of ups and downs

I really don't know where or how to start this post, but I guess I'll start with the beginning.  Last night was a stressful night.  I get so worried about Kermie and how much he is putting on his plate trying to take care of me.  Seeing him so exhausted breaks my heart.  I know that he is going through this process in a whole different way than I am and that the affects can be crippling.  All I want for him is to rest when he can and know that I think there is no other person on the planet that could take care of me as good as he can.  At the same time, I am healing and part of that process means that I need to be able to do some things on my own and even allow him time to rest. 

This morning I woke up with terrible heartburn.  More than likely from the meds, but it was definitely worse than anything I experienced while being pregnant.  He of course woke up at 3 am giving me tips and helping me relax.  When I finally woke up at 5 for my IV meds, the heartburn had subsided and I was feeling pretty great.  I woke up, swept the house, started the laundry, packed Kermie's lunch, and even made blueberry muffins.  It's those little things that make me feel normal.  When mom got to the house we spent the morning getting ready for today's doctor appointment with my Infectious Disease Doctor.  The plan was to meet my sister-in-law, Jackie, at Qdoba near my doctor so that she could keep the kids for a few hours while we did the whole doctor bit.  On the way to Lexington, Ella brought up the car wreck and wanted to talk through it again because she said it made her feel better.  So, we went through some of the things she remembered trying to keep it as positive as possible.  I could tell she was just not her normal self though by the time we reached the restaurant.  We were able to eat, or at least some of us were, but she ended up breaking down in Qdoba over whether or not she thought she could leave with Jackie.  She didn't want to go to the doctor with me, she wanted to play with Ava, but she wasn't sure about how long the car ride would be.  By this point, I'm in tears because I can't stand for my sweet, six year old to be in such limbo over something so simple for most people.  Fortunately, she ended up going and having a great time.  I keep reminding her that beating her anxiety and fear is facing it head on and that she is a tough little girl.  I know she will get through this! 

After eating, we headed over to the Bluegrass Clinic where I was hoping he would tell me that my Home Health Nurse could pull my picc line on Monday morning when she comes.  Sure enough... he did!  I have the order right here to give her when she arrives!  That means, no more antibiotics and being confined to the time schedule.  It also means that my body may return to normal in terms of potassium levels.  Thank you Jesus!  Now, I can't wait until Monday at 9 am!

So, good news.... what's the bad news?  Really nothing new, just dealing with the anxiety of this right eye stuff.  I want so bad to be able to open it, but there is nothing when I try.  I want so bad for my eye to look normal if I'm eventually able to open it, but to me it doesn't.  I want so bad to regain my vision, but there is still nothing but blackness.  I guess I'm rushing things, but I've always been one to plan.  I'm learning daily how to get around better with one eye and I know that I will be able to do it if that is God's will, but the whole appearance thing really bothers me. I really want my eye to at least look and move as normal, even if I can't see.  I am thankful I'm alive and I am thankful my daughter was not hurt.  It has just been a one of those days when my worries seem to overpower my thankfulness.  I know God has a plan and my faith is stronger than ever, but I will be the first to tell you that this is an experience that I will have to totally rely on Him to get me through.  I keep reminding myself that it's one day at a time and He will not leave my side any of those days.  There's nothing more comforting than that! 

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I'm excited about celebrating with my family.  Again, more normalcy!  I think my 30s will be great and will teach me a lot about who I truly am and who God wants me to be. 

I'll leave you with a picture my mom took today while we were waiting for the doctor. 

Blessings

As I eluded in my previous post, today was a big day in my recovery process.  I always look forward to days full of doctor appointments and today I had three of them.  I slept very little last night waiting in anticipation and prayed for a good 2 hours in the middle of the night that God would bring a positive day.  As always, He delivered.

My first appointment was with Dr. Timoney, my eye surgeon.  I have been talking to Kermie about how bad I wanted them to unstitch my eye, and being the level-headed husband he is he told me to not get my hopes up and that my doctors would make the call based on what they thought was best for my recovery.  This is one of the MANY reasons why I love him!  So, Kermie and I arrived at UK a little early, early enough for a pit stop at Starbucks which was much needed!  We were quickly called back and as soon as Dr. Timoney walked into the room he said, "So, I'm assuming you're wanting that suture out today?"  (In his adorable Irish accent!)  Kermie and I both looked at each other and then back at Dr. Timoney who proceeded to take all of the remaining stitches out of my face!  Kermie could probably describe my reaction better than I can because he was laughing at me being all giddy, but man... what an awesome early birthday present.  After the sutures came out, he checked the movement of my eye which had improved some from the previous visit.  He checked for vision which was still not there, and lastly, checked for sensation in my eye.  Basically, he took a piece of tissue paper to my good eye to see my natural reflex which was to clinch my eye.  When he did the same to the bad eye there was no sensation at all.  Overall, Dr. Timoney explained that Cranial Nerve 3 has been damaged which is what is not allowing me to open my eye lid and having trouble moving my eye to the right and up.  All of these things he said may improve with time.  He also checked the health of the eye which was still showing good blood flow, so the actual eyeball is in good shape.  The lack of vision is a result of the trauma to the optic nerve.  So, to say the least, I felt so blessed when leaving his office.  Not only was my eye not physically restricted anymore, but I knew that prayers were being answered.

Our second appointment today was with Dr. Patel's nurse who took some pictures of the wound under my eye.  She was going to send him my pictures and we are hoping to hear back from him tomorrow in regards to when the skin graft can be done.  Dr. Timoney said he was good for Patel doing the graft before he reconstructed my lower eyelid.  So, again... a waiting game, but all positive!

The third appointment today was with my primary care doctor regarding low potassium counts which was easily remedied with some potassium supplements.  They are thinking my IV meds and fungal meds could be the cause of the low counts. 

In between appointments, Kermie and I really enjoyed spending the day together.  He really is the best care taker in the world.  He has always been my "over protective" husband, but I really do feel blessed to have him.  He makes me latch on to his arm every where we go, he makes sure I have a seat to sit in, he feels out all of my paper work and asks those questions he knows are on my mind, and says that if there's anything this has taught him it's that he will never take me or our relationship for granted again.  Not that our marriage was terrible, but marriage is hard and it gets mundane and it's hard to always put each other first.  So, I am thankful for this second chance to love each other in a way that we haven't in a long time. 

Lastly, I am thankful to God for more answered prayers today.  The support shown by the people in my community, school, and Church (Grace Christian) has touched us both on a very emotional level.  God is good in all things and I know that He will take this situation regardless of the outcome of my sight to teach me and hopefully others how to continuously be grateful and faithful. 

So, until my next appointment on Thursday with my Infectious Disease Team I leave you with the latest "no stitch" picture.  I'm feeling pretty fantastic today!

New Room, New Hope

On Thursday morning around 3 am, they moved us to our very own private room.  We were living in luxury!!  And, sweet Kermie, my knight and shining armor was able to sleep somewhat more comfortable than the previous three days before!  They were very optimistic about us being about to go home at some point Thursday which I was both happy and sad about.  At this point, I was still having quite a bit of anxiety, mainly about my eye because it was still sutured shut so there was no way I could open it even if I wanted to. I remember one of the mornings an eye doctor came in to check my vision on both eyes.  I obviously couldn't see a thing from the right eye, but I was also seeing doubles out of my left eye.  I threw the eye chart at him and gave up completely!  There were also points where I would have hallucinations that would scare me to death and I didn't know how to react to them.  Kermie said that if I was talking about something that seemed frightening he would wake me. but if it was something peaceful that he'd let me ride it out.  One of my most peaceful hallucinations was Ella sitting on top of my chest.  I can actually remember laughing at her because she was sitting right on top of me staring into my face. 

One of the hardest parts about being in the hospital was my kids.  I knew they were being well taken care of and actually were doing AWESOME, but I was so embarrassed for them to see me and be scared of what they saw.  The Lord helped me there too of course.  Each day they came to visit I would show more and more of my face until they finally saw the whole thing.  Of course there were questions, but overall they were just glad their mommy was okay.

One of the last things we did Thursday before being discharged was getting my Pick Line put in.  My Infectious Team Doctors wanted me to stay on antibiotics at home until December 23rd while Home Health would be monitoring me every Monday.  The Pick Line procedure was a little weird, but I was thankful not to have to be pricked every time it was time for my meds which by this point was every 5am, 10 am, 5 pm, and 10 pm.  I keep telling Kermie that I'm like his newborn baby because he has all of his alarms set to administer and unhook me.  He's been such a trooper.  Without him and my mom, I would be at a loss!  They make a great team!  I honestly don't know what people do that don't have that family support.  I am so thankful for mine!

So, the next big step in the process is my eye appointment on Tuessday.  I am hoping he will open it, sight or no sight, but I also know that I don't want to rush anything either.  I now have a new pair of glasses to protect both eyes which I'm feeling pretty "cool" in.  My plastics doctor seems fairly ready to do the skin graft under my right eye where some of my skin tissue did not survive, but I think the two are working together to see what will be best overall. 

I really do appreciate all the prayers and gifts and just outpouring of love from everyone in our community.  It has definitely made the healing process easier and has kept my faith and spirits high.  I will continue to update as each new step in the mending process comes and until then... THANK YOU for being my support!  I love you all! :)

This picture shows me at home getting IV meds with stitches still in face.  Eye still stitched closed.

This picture shows me at home again heals more and more !  Eye still stitched closed.

This picture shows me home with face stitches out, new glasses, and eye still stitched closed.

Secrets

From what I could gather at the ER, I had a large piece of the wooden fence post lodged in my eye socket.  No one knew how big, if it had splintered, or what damage it would be causing.  I also knew that they were rushing me into have scans done and then rushing quickly to the OR for surgery.  I remember them taking me back and praying, "Dear God, please let me fall asleep for at least this part!"  Sure enough, the anesthesia did the trick and my mind could now turn off!  Praise the Lord! 

The secrets I alluded to in the title of this post though are that I had no idea how many surgeons would be in the OR and why neuro-surgeons were among those present.  Apparently, there could have been brain bleeding when removing the wood and splinters and they wanted to be there on standby.   Kermie has spoken to me briefly about the time spent out in the waiting room during the surgeries.  From what I understand it lasted about about 6 or 7 hours in which two men helped piece me back together. And, from what I also gathered, there were so many people there to support me that made my heart so happy!  I felt bad not getting to see hardly any of them, but just knowing people were there and were praying was a huge blessing!  Dr. Timoney did all of the work on my eye.  He made sure that all pieces were removed (one large approximately 6 inch piece) and that any splinters had been removed too.  He told my family that my optic nerve which allows sight had not been severed but severely compressed.  Many of the nerves which allow eye movement had been damaged, but that those things can maybe heal with time.  Dr. Patel did all of the work sewing my face back together.  And, from what I know about these two men now is that they have definitely been called to do this job.  Everyone kept saying they are the best you could have hoped for and are very meticulous with their work. 

After surgery, I went to recovery in which they say I was a little feisty... nothing knew to my family :)  And, after recovery down to the basement of UK hospital in the CDU unit.  I guess it was kind of like an overflow of ICU patients.  They were packed!  We spent the next 3 days in this room with another couple and under the care of my nurses and all of my doctors.  Each morning at around 5 am Dr. Patel's doctors would come check on me, Dr. Timoney would could at some point, and Dr. Patel himself made several appearances.  The only new team that introduced themselves during these three days was the Infectious Disease Team.  This group was mainly concerned with the bacteria that could have been on the wood that was lodged in my eye and they wanted to be sure that I was put on the right antibiotics to prevent any future infections.  Fine by me!!

Not Your Typical Monday Morning Edurance

It was Monday, December 2, 2013... the Monday right after Thanksgiving Break!  Of course my mind was still lazy from all the food and festivities and enjoying time with my family, but I got up as normal and told myself that my other babies needed me for these next two weeks!  Plus, the last few weeks of school before Christmas Break are the most fun right?  I had my week planned out and was ready to conquer another unit of Social Studies with my fast little learners. 

Usually, every Monday, I drop off my son first at a subdivision along my way to school and realized half way there that I had left my cell phone at home.  Failure number one.  I told his sitter, gave my kisses, and to my surprise he actually said, "My won't cry mommy!"  And, drop off was that simple. Ella always asks when I get back in the van, "Did he cry today, mommy?"  And, today, I told her not a single tear!  It's always hard leaving your babies even when you know they are in good hands! 

So, off we went.  Ella and I love listening to Christmas music so we turned some on and headed toward school the easiest/shortest way from where we were.  We rounded Toyota, turned onto the by-pass heading towards Cynthiana, and then right onto Newtown Pike.  The world was well.  The music was festive, we were on time, there was no rush, no cell phone to distract me and then tragedy struck.  There is a point in this road where there is a curve and I guess with it still be fairly dark out I miss judged how far I was to the side of the road.  I'm assuming my passenger side tire ran off and in order to avoid completely running off the road I over corrected instead.  By this point, I'm not really sure what my reactions were... maybe slam on my brakes, maybe straighten it out with hitting oncoming traffic, but by the time my mind had come up with a plan, my van veered the opposite direction, hit a light post which then sent me into a farm plank post.  I remember my windshield shattering, I remember hearing Ella who was in the passenger side in her car seat saying, "Mommy, I'm so hurt!  Mommy, what happened?"  So, I immediately, got out of my van... how I'm unsure and go her out of the van.  I took a quick minute to look her over and to what I could see she was just very scared and worried about me.  By this point, she and I both new that I could not use my right eye (I knew something was in it, but did not want her to see it so I tried to cover it the best I could.).  I pulled her far from the road and into the grass and told her to start praying for our safety and that Jesus would make things all better.  While she did that, I next tried to figure out how to get help without having a cellphone.  I ran up to the road yelling for help and the first person that saw me happened to be one of my students and her father.  They saved my life!  They immediately called 911, took great care of my terrified little girl, and applied whatever first aide they thought I needed.  I explained to them that I didn't have a cellphone, but I needed to get a hold of my family.  Ella was able to spout off her daddy's number and my mom's number.  I know those phone calls will haunt both of them for the rest of their lives, but I was so proud of my girl for being so brave and knowing how to react in such a terrible situation.

I soon remember other cars, school busses, and people at the scene and it wasn't long until EMS arrived to rush me to UK hospital.  I remember praying to loose consciousness, but never did.  I remember hearing Ella asking over and over, "Is mommy going to be okay?"  And telling them, "This is the worst day of my life!"  I also remember being so thankful that she was able to ride in the ambulance with us on the way to the hospital and thankful that she was unharmed.  I kept getting very nauseous on the ambulance and I even remember hearing Ella telling the paramedics, "I have anxiety about people puking!"  The paramedics were so good with her though and had her sing songs and get her mind off of all of the terrible! 

What seemed like ten minutes went by and we arrived at UK. I still wasn't sure if Kermie knew where I was or how bad I was hurt or if my mom knew where I was or how bad I was hurt.  I just knew I couldn't wait to see my family and for them to know Ella was safe and that I would be ok. I remember being rushed into the ER and all of the doctors being so kind and assuring me that they would be taking Ella to the pediatric ER to have a look over while they called in a team of doctors to examine my eye.  Minutes later, I saw Kermie and I knew I could rest assured he would make sure everything would work out. 

A Way to Cope

So, the majority of the people who read this blog are already aware of my recent car accident, but as part of  my mentally healing process, I'd like to share the WHOLE story with you in attempt to deal with those haunting emotions that tend to creep up on me each and every day.  I'm not exactly how this will look or what format it will take, but I want to be able to go back through the events from the beginning until complete healing which I am placing in my Father's hands.  I know that I serve a great God and that He will use this tragedy if not only to better myself, but to help someone else that might need some inspiration or hopefulness.  So here goes...