A day of ups and downs

I really don't know where or how to start this post, but I guess I'll start with the beginning.  Last night was a stressful night.  I get so worried about Kermie and how much he is putting on his plate trying to take care of me.  Seeing him so exhausted breaks my heart.  I know that he is going through this process in a whole different way than I am and that the affects can be crippling.  All I want for him is to rest when he can and know that I think there is no other person on the planet that could take care of me as good as he can.  At the same time, I am healing and part of that process means that I need to be able to do some things on my own and even allow him time to rest. 

This morning I woke up with terrible heartburn.  More than likely from the meds, but it was definitely worse than anything I experienced while being pregnant.  He of course woke up at 3 am giving me tips and helping me relax.  When I finally woke up at 5 for my IV meds, the heartburn had subsided and I was feeling pretty great.  I woke up, swept the house, started the laundry, packed Kermie's lunch, and even made blueberry muffins.  It's those little things that make me feel normal.  When mom got to the house we spent the morning getting ready for today's doctor appointment with my Infectious Disease Doctor.  The plan was to meet my sister-in-law, Jackie, at Qdoba near my doctor so that she could keep the kids for a few hours while we did the whole doctor bit.  On the way to Lexington, Ella brought up the car wreck and wanted to talk through it again because she said it made her feel better.  So, we went through some of the things she remembered trying to keep it as positive as possible.  I could tell she was just not her normal self though by the time we reached the restaurant.  We were able to eat, or at least some of us were, but she ended up breaking down in Qdoba over whether or not she thought she could leave with Jackie.  She didn't want to go to the doctor with me, she wanted to play with Ava, but she wasn't sure about how long the car ride would be.  By this point, I'm in tears because I can't stand for my sweet, six year old to be in such limbo over something so simple for most people.  Fortunately, she ended up going and having a great time.  I keep reminding her that beating her anxiety and fear is facing it head on and that she is a tough little girl.  I know she will get through this! 

After eating, we headed over to the Bluegrass Clinic where I was hoping he would tell me that my Home Health Nurse could pull my picc line on Monday morning when she comes.  Sure enough... he did!  I have the order right here to give her when she arrives!  That means, no more antibiotics and being confined to the time schedule.  It also means that my body may return to normal in terms of potassium levels.  Thank you Jesus!  Now, I can't wait until Monday at 9 am!

So, good news.... what's the bad news?  Really nothing new, just dealing with the anxiety of this right eye stuff.  I want so bad to be able to open it, but there is nothing when I try.  I want so bad for my eye to look normal if I'm eventually able to open it, but to me it doesn't.  I want so bad to regain my vision, but there is still nothing but blackness.  I guess I'm rushing things, but I've always been one to plan.  I'm learning daily how to get around better with one eye and I know that I will be able to do it if that is God's will, but the whole appearance thing really bothers me. I really want my eye to at least look and move as normal, even if I can't see.  I am thankful I'm alive and I am thankful my daughter was not hurt.  It has just been a one of those days when my worries seem to overpower my thankfulness.  I know God has a plan and my faith is stronger than ever, but I will be the first to tell you that this is an experience that I will have to totally rely on Him to get me through.  I keep reminding myself that it's one day at a time and He will not leave my side any of those days.  There's nothing more comforting than that! 

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I'm excited about celebrating with my family.  Again, more normalcy!  I think my 30s will be great and will teach me a lot about who I truly am and who God wants me to be. 

I'll leave you with a picture my mom took today while we were waiting for the doctor.